It Never Ends

I've been thinking about Mormonism a lot lately. See, earlier this year Adam and I split up. We'd been in counseling for about 6 months, but things kept getting worse. Ending a nearly decade-long relationship and entering the dating world has been a strange adventure. And it was inevitable that during the process I'd start unpacking more ways the church affected me (and my marriage). Plus it's hard to meet new people and talk about yourself without bringing up the church. Mormonism isn't like a lot of religions, where it's a Sunday thing and that's that. It permeates EVERY waking moment of your life. I went to a Mormon university, I was married in a Mormon temple, I was deeply entrenched in the culture for about 8 or 9 years.

I stopped writing regularly here because I was just tired. I was tired of hurting. I was tired of giving anymore of my time and energy to anything church related. And while I think it was a necessary and healthy decision at the time, it seems like now it's time to face some more issues and do some more processing. And that's the thing isn't it? I can ignore the church as best as possible (except when driving past the stupid temple that just had to be built in the quadrant of Calgary where I live) but you don't devote yourself to a high demand group (the polite way of saying "cult") for some of your most formative developmental years and get to live a life completely free of it just because you broke away.

I do want to say that I don't blame Adam personally for how things ended. His contributions to the breakdown of our relationship can be placed squarely on the church's shoulders, as can mine. And let's face it, two young adults, little more than kids, getting married within four months of meeting without any opportunity to explore intimate compatibility because they've been brainwashed to believe anything more than basic kissing is sinful, second only to murder, is a recipe for disaster. We should both count ourselves very lucky that we were able to move forward in our lives with civility, and two great kids to co-parent. We shared our lives for a long time. We supported each other through some very rough times (exiting Mormonism being one of the toughest). And, as The Doctor says in "Vincent and the Doctor:"

The way I see it, every life is a pile of good things and bad things. The good things don’t always soften the bad things, but vice versa the bad things don’t always spoil the good things and make them unimportant.

I think the same should be said of my marriage. Sure, I have bitter days, what woman wouldn't? But it wasn't always bad. It wasn't without it's good points. And let's not pretend I've not been shaped by the experience, in some ways for the better. Now is the time to carry on and learn from the journey. 

I think, in some ways, it would never have been possible for me to fully heal from Mormonism without leaving my marriage. I didn't see that at the time. But these past months have been full of little "revelations." And while I'm not comfortable blogging most of them (it's not fair to Adam to air our dirty laundry online for the whole world to see), I do think I'm ready to write about Mormonism and it's effect on me again.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I'm not promising regular posts. Not in the least. But as I lie here on the couch nursing what might be influenza but is awful no matter what it is, I found myself wanting to post here. When that feeling hits, I'll listen to it.