I know it's been a while. But I haven't felt much drive to write about Mormonism and my exit from it for a time. But, here I am...because I hate to let a blog die. :)
I had a break though recently. One day I noticed that I'm happy. I've been happy before. But I was always happy due to this or that. But the other day I realized I was feeling happy and content not because of anything external (but despite quite a few things). Somehow I've found peace and I wasn't actively trying. I find that I've let go of a lot of childhood hurts. I'm leaving a lot of my fears behind. And I can't say where this change has come from, or rather why and how it has happened. I do know that I haven't felt like this ever in my adult life. And I do know this recent change hasn't come from "living the gospel of Jesus Christ."
I'm also thinking about the church a lot less. I'm feeling normal outside of it. I don't find myself starting to bless my meals out of habit. I don't feel guilt for really stupid things. And I'm much more relaxed because of it.
If I'm supposed to be miserable outside the presence of God then someone might want to tell the big guy I need some serious smiting.
Also, the membership records office told Adam our "you're going to outer darkness letters" have been mailed and are on the way!!! :D
Speaking of outer darkness...if outer darkness is being outside God's presence like I was taught then judging by how it feels to be cut off from him at this time I don't think I wouldd mind going there (you know, if it were more legit than coal in one's stocking). I certainly wouldn't want to go to the highest degree of the almighty "Celestial Kingdom" if what past church leaders have taught about it were true. I'd rather not spend eternity as a polygamous wife sending my spirit children away to be tested unfairly all the while knowing many of them would never make it back.
Actually, the whole idea of heaven is becoming more and more puzzling to me. Isn't this finite life enough? I guess if I wasn't happy I wouldn't think so. But as it stands now I love my life. I love my family. And I feel downright lucky to be living my life with the people around me. I count it as a privilege and I certainly don't feel the universe owes me anything more than one go at living. I'm just going to do my best to make sure it's a good one.