Just A Quick Link

http://realmc.blogspot.com/2009/04/pain.html

Short read. So read it! :)

Hullo Again

I know it's been a while. But I haven't felt much drive to write about Mormonism and my exit from it for a time. But, here I am...because I hate to let a blog die. :)

I had a break though recently. One day I noticed that I'm happy. I've been happy before. But I was always happy due to this or that. But the other day I realized I was feeling happy and content not because of anything external (but despite quite a few things). Somehow I've found peace and I wasn't actively trying. I find that I've let go of a lot of childhood hurts. I'm leaving a lot of my fears behind. And I can't say where this change has come from, or rather why and how it has happened. I do know that I haven't felt like this ever in my adult life. And I do know this recent change hasn't come from "living the gospel of Jesus Christ."

I'm also thinking about the church a lot less. I'm feeling normal outside of it. I don't find myself starting to bless my meals out of habit. I don't feel guilt for really stupid things. And I'm much more relaxed because of it.

If I'm supposed to be miserable outside the presence of God then someone might want to tell the big guy I need some serious smiting.

Also, the membership records office told Adam our "you're going to outer darkness letters" have been mailed and are on the way!!! :D

Speaking of outer darkness...if outer darkness is being outside God's presence like I was taught then judging by how it feels to be cut off from him at this time I don't think I wouldd mind going there (you know, if it were more legit than coal in one's stocking). I certainly wouldn't want to go to the highest degree of the almighty "Celestial Kingdom" if what past church leaders have taught about it were true. I'd rather not spend eternity as a polygamous wife sending my spirit children away to be tested unfairly all the while knowing many of them would never make it back.

Actually, the whole idea of heaven is becoming more and more puzzling to me. Isn't this finite life enough? I guess if I wasn't happy I wouldn't think so. But as it stands now I love my life. I love my family. And I feel downright lucky to be living my life with the people around me. I count it as a privilege and I certainly don't feel the universe owes me anything more than one go at living. I'm just going to do my best to make sure it's a good one.

Conference Weekend

Husband is picking up extra shifts.
I've been surfin' the net, doing research for my novel, sleeping in.
Tomorrow we're having company over for nori-wrapped tilapia.

All in all a pretty normal weekend.

And one of the best weekends of my life because I know full well what I'm missing. :D

"Daughters of God"

I could probably write enough posts on being a women in "the Church" to constitute an entirely independent blog. And I should probably be writing much more than I currently am. But for now I'll start with this quote from an online conversation on the topic titled "How to suffocate a woman's soul and kill her dignity:"

Make sure she knows that if she's not happy, it's not because the plan is flawed, it's because SHE is flawed.

The conversation in it's entirety can be found here. {Conversation is no longer available. :( *sigh*} Other interesting sources can be found here and here (that last one is run by members of the church).

"The One True Church" Part B

Well, it's either true or false. If it's false, we're engaged in a great fraud. If it's true, it's the most important thing in the world. Now, that's the whole picture. It is either right or wrong, true or false, fraudulent or true. -Gordon B. Hinckley

Could *one* fact, if of enough importance, show the church to be "a great fraud?"

How about several?

Joseph Smith did not translate "The Book of Abraham."

The temple rituals are not of God.

The Book of Mormon is fiction.

There's more (what shocked other former Mormons) such as the fact that
Joseph Smith married (and I mean that in the full sense of the word) multiple teenagers and already married women).

I vote "false" and "a great fraud."

"The One True Church" Part A

Well, it's either true or false. If it's false, we're engaged in a great fraud. If it's true, it's the most important thing in the world. Now, that's the whole picture. It is either right or wrong, true or false, fraudulent or true. -Gordon B. Hinckley

I've heard it said too many times to count that "if the Book of Mormon is true/Joseph Smith was a true prophet/etc. then the church is true." This line of thinking (only one important thing must be true for the entire gospel to be true) is what enabled me to ignore problems with the church. If I felt I had a testimony that Joseph Smith was a prophet, then the Book of Mormon really was the word of God as translated from golden plates and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was God's church as restored by holy messengers and the only church with the power of God's priesthood.

All it took was protecting my faith and ignorance in one subject matter for me to excuse any other problems that came my way. And the really twisted logic came when relying on my "testimony" of one principle to accept a problem with another, only to reverse which I relied on later! For example, one day I might rely on my testimony of the Book of Mormon to keep me from losing faith when encountering something which made me doubt Joseph Smith. A few days later I might rely on my testimony of Joseph Smith to remind me that problems in the Book of Mormon must simply be something I didn't understand (and certainly not evidence of the Book's falsehood). This twisted reasoning allowed me to "put things on the shelf." I never had to think about a damn thing because something else was "true" and certainly there was an explanation for whatever thing concerned me. And frankly...it's kind of a nice way to live and view the world. I didn't have to spend time dwelling on things which made me uncomfortable. I could simply escape back into the fantasy.

"Gee...I don't think I buy this people turning black and white stuff as written in the Book of Mormon. But there must be an explanation."

"I cannot understand how a loving father in heaven would *ever* demand that his daughters suffer the pain of practicing polygamy. But Joseph Smith was a prophet so it must have really been a revelation from God."

"Wow...the God of the Old Testament is really mean and nasty and not at all like Jesus was. But the Book of Mormon is true so it doesn't really matter what the Bible seems to say."

Those are some examples that came to mind just now. But here's where I'm going with all this; I have two points:

1. Within the "gospel" real thinking is "dangerous" so it is replaced with faulty logical reasoning, rationalization, and postponement of evaluation (after all, everything will be explained in the life to come).

2. If, as so many TBMs conclude, the truthfulness of one important principle is enough to confirm the whole of it or, better yet, if, as Gordon B. Hinckley basically said, the church is either completely true or a complete fraud then what happens if the truthfulness of one important principle can be shown? The type of information that could crack the foundations of the church and show it to be "a great fraud" is absolutely available (my link and reading lists are a good place to start)! Which is why members of the church are given dire warnings to never, EVER read what they call "anti-Mormon" literature.

Gay Marriage

The following is a letter I just sent to a friend:

I just posted this video: http://vimeo.com/3089746 to my FB profile with the following message.

"Is it right for the majority to oppress the minority? Not long ago it was the civil rights movement that was going to destroy America. Before that it was granting women the vote. As far as I can tell America is still standing and better than ever. These are REAL people, REAL families. Would people be so quick to take away their dreams if they had to face them in person?

I can no longer pretend that I don't feel strongly about this issue, because I do. I now live in Canada where people have the right to form families regardless of sexual orientation. It hasn't harmed my marriage in the slightest.

I'm aware of the arguments the other side espouses. Because I used to spout them off in an effort to convince myself that I agreed. But I didn't. And I don't. And I'm ashamed I ever pretended to. But I won't pretend anymore. And I won't sit silently by because I'm afraid to face those friends with which I disagree. I owe it to my gay friends and myself to be honest: I support gay marriage."

I was not as good a friend to you in high school as I should have been. The truth is that I was ashamed...not of you, of myself. I was embarrassed because I had made the decision to join a church that is very hetero sexist and homophobic. I tried so hard to rationalize it (along with a long list of other really messed up stuff in the Mormon church) but early this year couldn't do it anymore. My husband and I both left the church (for many, MANY reasons..though their hate/bigotry should have been reason enough). Now I'm trying to deal with the shame of having lent support to an organization that would seek to take away the rights of the minority. I should have listened to my conscience 8 years ago when it told me not to join the Mormon church. And I should have listened to it in November of last year when it told me Prop 8 wasn't right.

I feel lucky that I was uncomfortable enough to not have donated money to Yes on 8. But the fact is I payed tithing to the Mormon church for 8 years and THEY gave money to Yes on 8 (and lied about how much, to boot). And I regurgitated the very lame, very weak, very insidious arguments spewed by the Yes on 8 crowd to justify what the Yes on 8 Campaign and the Mormon church were doing. I did it partly because I was told I had to do what church leaders said if I wanted to be a good person and partly because I was trying to convince MYSELF of the crap we were peddling.

It didn't work.

My point is this: I will NEVER again support those who try to tell the world you don't have the right to be married to the one you love (and I hope you find the right guy someday :) - or maybe I should say the right "duck"). And I won't ever again silently stand by while bigots say and do that which is wrong. By being silent I give them more power and they already have far, FAR too much power as it is. For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I'm sorry it took me this long to make the right choice. I'm sorry I let fear and stupidity convince me to ignore my sense of right and wrong. And I'm sorry I didn't pursue friendship with you the way I would have if I hadn't been so damn ashamed of myself. I know now that I missed out. I hope you can forgive me for being a fool and a coward.

Here is the video:



"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.